Instructions not included

Anyway. What I’m talking about is a true “if this, then that” instruction book that covers every high and low life throws at you.

More than 30 years ago, I became a mom for the first time. She was and remains beautiful — ice blue eyes, midnight black hair, and dimples. The delivery and everything after went well and a couple of days later we were sent home. The responsibility of another human — a bit more of a challenge — because this “new normal” didn’t come with instructions.

Just over two years later, along comes my first son. He was so handsome — the same ice blue eyes and midnight black hair as his sister, but no dimples. This time, delivery went well, but everything after? Not so much, and we spent a week in the hospital. Not because something was wrong with him, but because something was wrong with me. Life as a two-child-parent was finding another “new normal” that didn’t come with instructions.

Almost four years later, my youngest joined the family. He was as handsome as his brother, yet, he couldn’t have been more polar opposite from his siblings with his deep brown eyes, cotton white hair, and enough energy for all of them. Unlike the others, he went to NICU. I soon discovered a “new normal” in having a three-child-household that had yet to come with instructions.

As a young adult, I unexpectedly lost my father. I remember the exact spot in the road and time of day when my phone rang. I remember the exact sentence that followed the “Hello?” I remember the agonizing 18-hour drive home to my father’s family. Wading through my first true journey with meaningful grief involved, and searching for the next “new normal” didn’t come with instructions.

Years down the road, I got the dreaded chaplain’s visit telling me that my oldest son had died in an accident. I remember the following week as if it just happened. Every. Single. Second. Of it. And you want to know what? Finding yet another “new normal” after losing a child doesn’t come with instructions either.

Several good friends have recently lost their spouse. Each of them are now learning what their “new normal” looks like without their spouse. Sitting on their sidelines, I see the challenges, fears, heartbreak, loneliness, struggles, and concerns because losing a spouse doesn’t come with instructions.

What I’m trying to say is this: find a way to be kinder and less judgmental to those you encounter because you never know what they aren’t sharing with the rest of the world. Whether it’s yesterday, or today, or ten years down the road, anyone you encounter could be searching for their next “new normal” and it’s not always an easy thing to navigate. My journey and your journey aren’t the same even if we’re faced with the same life-altering event.

Life, and everything it drops in our paths, should come with one warning: Instructions not included.

Denise Shoulders can be reached by emailing dshoulders@newsdemocratleader.com