Some readers may remember a popular song many years ago called, “Those little white lies.”

“The moon was all aglow,

and heaven was in your eyes

the night that you told me

those little white lies.

The stars all seemed to know

that you didn’t mean all those sighs;

the night that you told me

those little white lies.

I try, but there’s no forgetting;

when evening appears,

I sigh, but there’s no regretting,

in spite of my tears.

The devil was in your heart,

but heaven was in your eyes;

the night that you told me

those little white lies.

Who wouldn’t believe those lips;

who ever could doubt those eyes;

the night that you told me,

those little white lies.”

While it might seem unlikely that this song and a passage from Ephesians have something in common, both address relationships and telling the truth. Rather than having the devil in one’s heart, as the song mentions, the Epistle admonishes us to speak the truth in love. (Ephesians 4:1-7, 11-16) We are to grow up in every way into Christ with humility, gentleness and patience, bearing with one another in love.

The admonition to “speak the truth in love” may seem obvious needing no further consideration. But my experience with people in their relationships indicates that while blatant lies are discouraged, little white lies are customary to avoid unpleasantness. Problems arise, however, when dishonesty in little things breaks trust and leads to dishonesty in big things. That is one of those clichés that remains true.

A long time ago I spoke with a couple before their marriage about the problems that little white lies can create. I told them an imaginary scene of a husband whose old flame came to town and wanted to meet with him just to say hello and have a drink. The husband wanted this too. But fearing that his wife might be jealous if he told her he was having a drink with his old girl friend, he told his wife that he had to work late at the office that evening and would be home late for dinner. That little white lie would allow him to see his friend without alarming his wife. What he didn’t anticipate, however, was that one of his wife’s friends would see him with his old girl friend at a cocktail lounge. The wife’s friend suspected the worst, thinking that the husband was cheating on his marriage fidelity, and subsequently reported the incident to the wife. You can imagine the rest. The husband gets into trouble with his wife trying to explain his way out of what appears to be a cover-up for an illicit relationship.

After telling my made up story, the couple looked at each other almost embarrassed because that scenario had already happened to them while dating. They knew the point from first hand experience.

When we modify the truth in human relationships it leads to distrust and separation. Many relationships have been broken because the truth, even when told, couldn’t be believed because of previous white lies.

Truth telling requires at least three things: knowing the truth, telling the truth, and telling it in a kind way, or at least in a way that the message can be received. It is also a matter of being honest with ourselves. Sometimes the problem is not so much about telling someone else the truth; it is a matter of being honest with ourselves and God. We tell ourselves little white lies and hope that God can be fooled in the same way.

Telling the truth is one part of the equation. Another part is telling it in love. One can tell the truth in such an abrasive way that the presentation is cruel. That is where the call for gentleness, patience, and bearing with one another is so important. Except for extreme situations we don’t have to badger each other with the truth — nor be so zealous for our cause that we abuse others. We are admonished to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.